Dearest Peter
by Ithinkyoullknxw
Summary: Yours, Carla
1. Chapter 1

_Dearest Peter,_

 _I said to you once, it was always Liam. But now I think, it'll always be you. Maybe in some twisted way, Liam's death gave me a release. It took a while, years even. But I was able to move on and find solace again._

 _Find you._

 _You really were my shelter for the longest time, Peter. My love, my everything I guess._

 _It's like, you know when you're driving in the pouring rain and it's hammering so hard against the car you think it will never stop? You're blinded and you can't see where you're going next or where to turn to? Then you pass under a bridge and for a moment, everything stops. You can see again and the world is quiet finally. But then you have to keep moving and suddenly the bridge is gone and everything is how it was before but this time the rain hits a bit harder and it's all the more tougher than it was previously._

 _You were my bridge._

 _Admittedly, my bridge wasn't the biggest or the strongest and sometimes it crumbled and let the rain in slightly but it was my bridge all the same and I loved it. But my bridge was fleeting and it was gone before I had the chance to stop it._

 _Well I could have stopped it. I could have stayed under that bridge away from the rain and the storm brewing outside but that would have been wrong. Because eventually, I fear it would have collapsed completely and taken me with it._

 _Although I don't suppose that matters anymore because, well, I don't need to say it do I._

 _I can't stay in this world any longer, Peter. Not after what I have done and what I have caused. I'm sure you have heard by now, I thought maybe you'd be in touch but it is probably for the best you stayed away. I would have too, after all I am almost a murderer now._

 _I want you to know I don't blame you anymore. Not now. I have almost forgiven it all, or at least I would have if you would have come back and held me again. Your love might have been my saviour, Peter. If you would have stayed. I do not blame you though, so do not blame yourself._

 _Do not cry for me, my love. And do not let the others. I think I will finally find peace and I have waited so long for such a comforting feeling. But;_

 _I hope it hurts you, Peter. My death. I hope it burns._

 _I hope one day, maybe not far from now, you're walking down a street and you hear someone shout my name. I hope your head whips round so quickly but then you realise and then you have to carry on about your day as though your heart hasn't just been ripped in two._

 _I hope you see a stranger with hair that falls just as mine fell drinking across from you and somehow I am so tangible you could almost reach out and touch me._

 _I hope you hear our song on the radio and it stays in your head, taunting you when you sleep. I hope you see my face, hear the way it sounded when your name left my lips._

 _I hope you think of me when you're making love. I hope I am the only face you ever see and I hope you draw blood as you bite your lip to stop yourself screaming my name._

 _I hope you look through photos of us in an old worn out photo album when you're just as old and worn out as the pictures inside. I hope your grandchild asks who the woman with the sparkling eyes is and you remember all over again, even though you hardly remember anything at all anymore._

 _I hope no one ever loves you the way I did. I hope no one ever makes your skin tingle with a mere touch. But I hope they love you all the same._

 _I hope you're happy. But my god, darling, I hope it hurts._

 _Well, I can't stay much longer. So this is our goodbye, my goodbye. And my thank you. When I'm there waiting for you, wherever there is, our memories will keep me warm. For now, sweet dreams and I'll be watching._

 _Your very own angel,_

 _Yours, Carla._

* * *

 ** _Let me know that you think_**!


	2. Chapter 2

_Dearest Carla,_

 _I don't know why I am writing you when wherever you are, I cannot reach you. Although, if you keep your promise to watch me then maybe you will read it after all._

 _I found your body not long after your death. You looked just like you were sleeping but when I touched your skin, the warmth you once radiated was long gone. Maybe it had gone even before that, maybe I took that with me. I guess I'll never know._

 _There's so much I want to tell you yet my hands are shaking so much that I am struggling to hold the pen. Darling, I wish you would have waited. If you had, you might have known I was on my way, probably when you were writing that letter. The journey up here felt endless but I thought it might be worth it just to see your eyes again. I didn't get the chance. Oh Carla, your eyes. They were my weakness, as though if I looked into them I was looking into a galaxy of endless, confusing feelings that I could not ever quite fathom._

 _I feel like you haven't really gone. I feel like it's not possible for you to be gone whilst I am still in existence. I didn't tell you enough but you seem to ouze from me, seep from my skin as though I am made up of tiny pieces of you. I think that's why you felt so empty, my love. I think when you loved, you loved so fiercely that you left pieces of you in everyone you ever cared about. It's tragically beautiful I suppose. But I am learning quickly that death isn't beautiful. Grief isn't poetic or beautiful either. It is just black. It's the darkest black you can ever imagine Carla but I know you are the last person I must explain that to._

 _To love you was an honour but to be loved in return was a privilege that not many will ever understand. You were like a dream that changed daily, never staying in one place for long. You were always right within my grasp and yet so very far away. You were a mystery but when my fingers traced your naked skin and you sighed my name breathlessly against my neck, I think I solved it._

 _Your letter made little sense to me. How can you imagine that your death would hurt me. Hurt is not a word that exists in my vocabulary, sweetheart. Not since you left. There isn't a word to describe the physical torment, the relentless, overwhelming agony. I guess it is better to have loved you and known you than to never have had you at all but that is little comfort to me now. Nothing is any comfort to me anymore. Except for the brief few minutes I manage to force myself to breathe and listen to old voicemails you have left me. Your voice soothes an ache for only a moment. I am in your flat, in your bed, the same place I found you. When I close my eyes and breathe you in, everything smells of you and all at once it's not true._

 _The emptiness of your side of the bed tells me it is._

 _I would choose you. In any lifetime, in any world, I would find you Carla and I would choose you. I hope you understand that that is why I am doing this. I am choosing you. I think you know I did many bad things in my time but the worst was letting it take your death for me to put you first. I didn't do it when you were alive but now I will do it in your death. I will follow you, wherever you are and I will find you._

 _I will choose you._

 _I am being selfish to those I leave behind but that is a trait you have always known to be mine and something you did not try to change. You were not like the ones before but then I don't think you were like anyone that has ever lived. You are, were an enigma. And you were mine. You were selfish too. So very, heartlessly fucking selfish Carla. That will be the first thing I say when we are reunited but not before I force you into my arms and hold you with a need you have not felt before._

 _I think I'll see you soon, my love. Sooner than you bargained for._

 _Wait for me, baby._

 _Yours always, in life and in death,_

 _Peter_


End file.
